Death and Dealing

January 21, 2014 § 5 Comments

Starting a new year is always rough for me because it brings memories of my mother’s passing. Her name was Mayme and she passed away on January 24, 2000. This year will be 14 years since her death. I was only 10. We lost her to cancer. It was a hard loss because like many families, we were believing for a miracle. She fought hard for three and a half years but I think it became too much of a burden to bare.
Normally I am okay and think about her for a week during the month of January. I may have a small breakdown every now and again, but this year is different. At Thanksgiving I lost my nana and papaw, my mother’s parents. This makes it different for me because we also lost one of my aunts about nine years ago to cancer also. Now on my mom’s side of the family I only have my last sister, my aunt and my cousins. As I saw family at the funeral we were all sharing stories of the good times we had years before. I saw pictures of my mother I had never seen before like her high school prom pictures and some from when I was a toddler. Since seeing everyone, it has caused me to think of my mom even more than usual.
Death, pardon my language, is a bitch to deal with. Just when you think you can handle the loss of a loved one, you burst into tears. Trust me, when those moments come I just let it all out because holding it in doesn’t help anyone. Like right now, as I am typing this out I’m wiping tears off my face. I am so thankful though that anytime I have a moment where I need to hear a story about my mom I still have my dad, brother, aunts (my one aunt on my dad’s side and one on my mom’s side), uncles (my dad’s brothers), grandparents (my dad’s parents) and cousins that I can call. I have a few memories of my mom before she started dealing with the cancer. We sure would have been amazing shopping buddies. I am thankful we got to move to and live in the new house that she really wanted before she passed.
It’s just hard somedays knowing she has missed some momentous occasions in my life like graduating high school and college, getting married and moving away. I wonder what words of wisdom she would have given to me. I wonder if she would be proud of the woman I have become. I know she looks down on me from heaven, but there are days I wish I could have one more hug from her, one last talk and one more, “I love you.”
This is all seems so depressing to be thinking of when this year has so much to offer. Sometimes you just have to get something out and right now, it’s getting my emotions of losing my mother. I know this is going to be a great year. I have already been so blessed with awesome friends, awesome opportunities to serve in a great church, and best of all, I’m turning 25 (yay my car insurance will go down) and celebrating 5 years of marriage to my wonderful husband. I can’t wait to see what happens this year to make it memorable.

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