January 24, 2016 § 2 Comments
A sweet 16 is a birthday most kids look forward to happening. They will likely get a license or at least a driver’s permit, a big party and maybe even a car. Well, today being 16 years since my mother died, it’s not so sweet. Instead bitterness feels my mouth like burnt chocolate.
You would think after 16 years that a girl would know how to manage her feelings on this day. Nope. I’m actually not entirely sure how I feel this year. I know for certain sharing my thoughts and feelings helps me not to get depressed.
I used to think if I shared my thoughts on this day that people would be annoyed or pity me. I also never wanted to hear the words, “She (my mom) has no more pain. God healed her.” Do you know that even at 10 years old I wanted to punch people in the face for saying that? Are you kidding me? I’m allowed to be sad sometimes or even angry that mom my is gone. All I want on this day is to be heard and understood. Saying insensitive things like that are not ways of showing understanding.
The community I have been around the last year and a half has been supportive, loving and gracious when it comes days like this. I have learned through this community that showing vulnerability brings love, understanding and peace. My community also returns the vulnerability to me. We know how to rejoice with others and we know how to mourn with others. I’m thankful for these wonderful people.
So, as today treads on, I know that sharing my vulnerability with the loss of my mom, I will find the love and understanding that I need.
I love you, mom. I hate that you have been gone 16 years now. I miss you.
With all my love,
January 8, 2016 § Leave a comment
Part of making this year a better one for myself is making healthier food choices. I’m making a concerted effort to meal plan so that the healthy choice is the easy choice. It has truly been a concerted effort that I will definitely be refining throughout the year.
The first thing I have done that I realized has been a major help is preparing breakfast the night before. Hear me out. Each night I set out all the things I need to make breakfast. Last night in particular I put together an overnight smoothie mix together. I woke up this morning threw it in the blender and TA-DA breakfast was served. Here’s a link to the smoothie I made- http://www.runningwithspoons.com/2015/08/05/chocolate-overnight-oatmeal-smoothie/
Meal planning takes time but so far it has been worth the effort for me. What are some of the ways you make the healthy choice the easy choice in your day-to-day? I’d love to add some recipes to the mix so post links for those too!
January 7, 2016 § Leave a comment
2015 came and went. There were some moments that went by too fast and other moments that would have been okay to pick up the speed. We moved to a new apartment. We started learning more about our journey with infertility. I dealt with depression that I had not experienced since my mother died. My feelings toward 2015 are as follows: Bye, Felicia!
Now, not every moment was terrible. We started developing some friendships that I honestly believe will last for the rest of our lives. But dude, my emotions really took a toll on me. I got to the point where I stopped putting myself out there for people to know me. I didn’t want pity if I shared my feelings. I also didn’t want people saying I was a cry baby. I already had to deal with that in my life and I wasn’t ready to relive that. Instead, I stayed home, closed off to people. I was so in my head that I became screed to let anyone in. I couldn’t even let my husband in. Finally in November, I started letting people back in. It wasn’t as painful as I had thought. I actually found by opening up to the right people I could feel again. These people spoke truth and love in the most graceful, yet butt-kicking ways. I’m so grateful for the community that surrounds me.
How will I continue to move beyond my feelings in 2016? Great question. My plan is find my purpose and keep my heart open to those who have already made attempts to be apart of my life. I have some measurable goals of finding a job, making time in my week for friends, alone time and time with the husband. Finding things and people that feed my soul has helped so much. Even self-reflection/self-awareness has helped to move beyond the feelings. It’s definitely a process. I may have some missteps but its better than wallowing in self-pity and self-doubt.
I’d love to hear how you are making 2016 different from 2015. I know for me 2016 cannot be more of the same.
Love to you all!