Bitter 16

January 24, 2016 § 2 Comments


A sweet 16 is a birthday most kids look forward to happening.  They will likely get a license or at least a driver’s permit, a big party and maybe even a car. Well, today being 16 years since my mother died, it’s not so sweet. Instead bitterness feels my mouth like burnt chocolate.

You would think after 16 years that a girl would know how to manage her feelings on this day. Nope. I’m actually not entirely sure how I feel this year. I know for certain sharing my thoughts and feelings helps me not to get depressed.

I used to think if I shared my thoughts on this day that  people would be annoyed or pity me. I also never wanted to hear the words, “She (my mom) has no more pain. God healed her.” Do you know that even at 10 years old I wanted to punch people in the face for saying that? Are you kidding me? I’m allowed to be sad sometimes or even angry that mom my is gone. All I want on this day is to be heard and understood. Saying insensitive things like that are not ways of showing understanding.

The community I have been around the last year and a half has been supportive, loving and gracious when it comes days like this. I have learned through this community that showing vulnerability brings love, understanding and peace. My community also returns the vulnerability to me. We know how to rejoice with others and we know how to mourn with others. I’m thankful for these wonderful people.

So, as today treads on, I know that sharing my vulnerability with the loss of my mom, I will find the love and understanding that I need.

I love you, mom. I hate that you have been gone 16 years now. I miss you.

With all my love,



§ 2 Responses to Bitter 16

  • Allison says:

    I’m approaching year 5 (March 2nd), and it hasn’t gotten any easier. There is a great line from the movie, “Burlesque” (proof that good writing comes from EVERYWHERE) that says, “Every day, something happens that I wish I could tell her about.”

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