Embracing Elsa and Not the Dark Side

May 16, 2016 § Leave a comment

Upon turning 25 I learned that I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Enter quarter-life/mid-twenties crisis. This was not how I wanted to start off my birthday in 2014. I was ready to figure out the problem, do the fix, and start growing our family. I feel like the joke has been on me the last two years. Just when I feel like maybe we are getting something to help it turns out to only be a little helpful or makes me sick and emotionally all over the place.

Now, here I am at 27, wondering what is coming next. Our pastor said in his message yesterday, “Your past doesn’t define you. Jesus uses it to fuel purpose in your future.” That message can be found here. Thank goodness for God’s grace that the last two years do not define my future. I had made a decision back in December that 2016 was not going to be anything like 2014 or 2015. I’ve taken serious steps to embrace my inner Elsa to no longer hold in all the anger and hurt I have been feeling about my fertility issues and even some personal issues that have held me back for some time. This has not been an easy task. I know that I have failed and exposed my dark side at moments because I lost self-control. Again, those moments of frustration and anxiety are not indicative of my future. I can, through God’s grace, choose to love, choose to be patient, and choose self-control. Choosing those things is not an easy task but when you are ready for things to be different you have to choose a different attitude.

I’m sure that there are still some trials ahead especially in my fertility journey. Holding on to all this anger has not gotten me any further in my pursuit of becoming a mom. Maybe it’s in this time I’m learning more about the characteristics of a mom but also learning more about the characteristics of God. As frustrating as things have been, I definitely feel like I am becoming more of my true self.


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