May 9, 2017 § Leave a comment
Memories of the first Mother’s Day without my mom are faint. I think my dad tried to ignore it happening. I’m sure we took some flowers to mom’s grave. We likely went to my grandma’s house to eat lunch afterward. I’m not sure why I don’t remember much from that day. Maybe it’s something I still block out because I don’t want to feel that pain.
However, I do remember the first Mother’s Day after finding out I have PCOS. I bawled my eyes out. Watching all these posts about my friend’s getting Mother’s Day gifts, whether it was their first Mother’s Day or fifth, I got emotionally stabbed all day. I got to point where I had to put my phone in another room so I wouldn’t be tempted to pick it up and scroll through all the posts.
Today, I’m feeling a little bit like that Emilie from a few years ago. I realized this is the first year I’ll be flying solo on Mother’s Day. Hubby will be celebrating his brother’s graduation in Oklahoma. It’s also challenging because of the amount of friends that have had babies this last year. My heart is hurting that I’m not in the mom ranks. This pain had left for awhile but of course it comes back to gut punch me. I admit, I’m jealous of all these women that are moms. But, I love and support these women because I know it’s not easy raising kids: sleepless nights, less time out and about without the kids, dealing with tantrums. Yet, everyone of these women are strong and fierce not because they can do it all, but because they know so much about vulnerability. They include me in their conversations even though I don’t 100 percent understand, I can empathize with them. Those wonderful women also don’t try to minimize my pain. Anytime I reach out about hurting, they lift me up with encouraging words, hugs and listening ears. I love and cherish these women so much!
So, as Sunday is Mother’s Day, I plan to treat myself with a little lunch out. Maybe even a movie. I also plan to celebrate my friends who are moms with my whole heart. If this last year has taught me anything, it’s choosing joy even in the tough moments that makes this life so much richer.
May 3, 2017 § Leave a comment
My birthday is just two days away and I have been reflecting on this past year. Lord knows a year ago I had nothing really happening in my life. I was depressed and had accepted it as my life. I felt weak and scared. Nothing was the way I ever thought or dreamed it would be for me.
27 came and I cried as much in this last year as the year I lost my mom. Basically, Niagara Falls fell out of my eyes. I spent last summer infuriated. When I saw friends and they asked about life, my answer was always, 1) I’m still alive and 2) I’m still married. Reflecting back on that statement, I realize that may have been confusing to a lot of people. But it was my truth without airing all my grievances. I sat in my misery for four months before I decided I was sick of it. I got it together and found a therapist.
Over the five months I saw my therapist I started realizing I didn’t have to be a victim to my life. As my friend Becca would say, I put on my big girl panties and I got to work. I finally landed at a job that is walking distance from my apartment. Now that I have been there for four months, I feel like I’m really getting the hang of it. I feel my self-confidence boosted. I’m beginning to feel like Emilie again.
Even though things are feeling better now, that doesn’t mean everyday is perfect. I have anxiety that tries to creep in to tell me I can’t do this. Anxiety that I’m going to royally screw up at work or that I’m not good enough. In those moments, I grab those thoughts and start reaching out to my friends and put on worship music. As I do that, it’s almost like I’m the bogeyman to those thoughts because they run away.
Things still aren’t exactly like I pictured them, but I’m grateful for the lessons I’m learning in this season. I’ve been reminded continuously what I really want for my life and the life I want to create for my family. Strength and courage go a long way in helping dispel fear and anxiety. It will be interesting to see where things are in another year as I continue to practice my strength and courage.