27: The Year That Tried to Keep Me Down

May 3, 2017 § Leave a comment

My birthday is just two days away and I have been reflecting on this past year. Lord knows a year ago I had nothing really happening in my life. I was depressed and had accepted it as my life. I felt weak and scared. Nothing was the way I ever thought or dreamed it would be for me.

27 came and I cried as much in this last year as the year I lost my mom. Basically, Niagara Falls fell out of my eyes. I spent last summer infuriated. When I saw friends and they asked about life, my answer was always, 1) I’m still alive and 2) I’m still married. Reflecting back on that statement, I realize that may have been confusing to a lot of people. But it was my truth without airing all my grievances. I sat in my misery for four months before I decided I was sick of it. I got it together and found a therapist.

Over the five months I saw my therapist I started realizing I didn’t have to be a victim to my life. As my friend Becca would say, I put on my big girl panties and I got to work. I finally landed at a job that is walking distance from my apartment. Now that I have been there for four months, I feel like I’m really getting the hang of it. I feel my self-confidence  boosted. I’m beginning to feel like Emilie again.

Even though things are feeling better now, that doesn’t mean everyday is perfect. I have anxiety that tries to creep in to tell me I can’t do this. Anxiety that I’m going to royally screw up at work or that I’m not good enough. In those moments, I grab those thoughts and start reaching out to my friends and put on worship music. As I do that, it’s almost like I’m the bogeyman to those thoughts because they run away.

Things still aren’t exactly like I pictured them, but I’m grateful for the lessons I’m learning in this season. I’ve been reminded continuously what I really want for my life and the life I want to create for my family. Strength and courage go a long way in helping dispel fear and anxiety. It will be interesting to see where things are in another year as I continue to practice my strength and courage.

PEA

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