Mother’s Day Again

May 9, 2017 § Leave a comment

Memories of the first Mother’s Day without my mom are faint. I think my dad tried to ignore it happening. I’m sure we took some flowers to mom’s grave. We likely went to my grandma’s house to eat lunch afterward. I’m not sure why I don’t remember much from that day. Maybe it’s something I still block out because I don’t want to feel that pain.

However,  I do remember the first Mother’s Day after finding out I have PCOS. I bawled my eyes out. Watching all these posts about my friend’s getting Mother’s Day gifts, whether it was their first Mother’s Day or fifth, I got emotionally stabbed all day. I got to point where I had to put my phone in another room so I wouldn’t be tempted to pick it up and scroll through all the posts.

Today, I’m feeling a little bit like that Emilie from a few years ago. I realized this is the first year I’ll be flying solo on Mother’s Day. Hubby will be celebrating his brother’s graduation in Oklahoma. It’s also challenging because of the amount of friends that have had babies this last year. My heart is hurting that I’m not in the mom ranks. This pain had left for awhile but of course it comes back to gut punch me. I admit, I’m jealous of all these women that are moms. But, I love and support these women because I know it’s not easy raising kids: sleepless nights, less time out and about without the kids, dealing with tantrums. Yet, everyone of these women are strong and fierce not because they can do it all, but because they know so much about vulnerability. They include me in their conversations even though I don’t 100 percent understand, I can empathize with them. Those wonderful women also don’t try to minimize my pain. Anytime I reach out about hurting, they lift me up with encouraging  words, hugs and listening ears. I love and cherish these women so much!

So, as Sunday is Mother’s Day, I plan to treat myself with a little lunch out. Maybe even a movie. I also plan to celebrate my friends who are moms with my whole heart. If this last year has taught me anything, it’s choosing joy even in the tough moments that makes this life so much richer.



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