Embracing Elsa and Not the Dark Side

May 16, 2016 § Leave a comment

Upon turning 25 I learned that I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Enter quarter-life/mid-twenties crisis. This was not how I wanted to start off my birthday in 2014. I was ready to figure out the problem, do the fix, and start growing our family. I feel like the joke has been on me the last two years. Just when I feel like maybe we are getting something to help it turns out to only be a little helpful or makes me sick and emotionally all over the place.

Now, here I am at 27, wondering what is coming next. Our pastor said in his message yesterday, “Your past doesn’t define you. Jesus uses it to fuel purpose in your future.” That message can be found here. Thank goodness for God’s grace that the last two years do not define my future. I had made a decision back in December that 2016 was not going to be anything like 2014 or 2015. I’ve taken serious steps to embrace my inner Elsa to no longer hold in all the anger and hurt I have been feeling about my fertility issues and even some personal issues that have held me back for some time. This has not been an easy task. I know that I have failed and exposed my dark side at moments because I lost self-control. Again, those moments of frustration and anxiety are not indicative of my future. I can, through God’s grace, choose to love, choose to be patient, and choose self-control. Choosing those things is not an easy task but when you are ready for things to be different you have to choose a different attitude.

I’m sure that there are still some trials ahead especially in my fertility journey. Holding on to all this anger has not gotten me any further in my pursuit of becoming a mom. Maybe it’s in this time I’m learning more about the characteristics of a mom but also learning more about the characteristics of God. As frustrating as things have been, I definitely feel like I am becoming more of my true self.

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Scared of the Unknown

May 11, 2016 § Leave a comment

Here we are about 12 days out from our next  fertility appointment. I’ve been trying to stay positive because we are getting the next phase of our plan. But honestly, I’m so scared for what’s next. I hate the unknown. I want to know exactly what’s going to happen before it happens. Life doesn’t work that way, though. 

Now, I know it sounds like I need to calm down. We will have more answers and a plan in 12 days. It’s challenging to remain calm when I’ve been actively trying to get pregnant for almost 5 years. I want to be pregnant like yesterday. 

Another reason I think I’m anxious for this appointment is that it is on our wedding anniversary. I’m one of those people that likes celebrating on “the day” an event happens like birthdays and anniversaries. I realize we can still make the day special by going to dinner and what not; but it doesn’t distract from the fact that I’m still scared about what will happen at the appointment. I am trying to remember it’s exciting that we get to continue our fight for our family on a day that is already so special to Patrick and I. Ugh. So. Many. Emotions. 

Thankfully, I can reach out to family and friends to be praying. I can be praying. God so graciously gives His Holy Spirit as a comfort and strength in times like these. So for those that pray here’s what I am asking:

  • Strength– Patrick and I cannot get through this on our own accord. 
  • Peace– I need this so I can get rest between now and the appointment date. 
  • Patience– This attribute is one I’m constantly working on. With patience I stay calmer and I can more easily choose love. 

Thank you for the prayers and words of encouragement. I’m thankful I don’t have to walk my road alone. I will definitely be taking advantage of my coloring books and reading some books here in the next few weeks to refocus when I’m feeling overwhelmed. Sending love to you all! 

Thoughts on Mother’s Day

May 7, 2016 § Leave a comment

For the last 16 years Mother’s Day has been a challenging day for me. First, it was challenging because I lost my biological mom to cancer. Now, it’s because of my own longing to be a mommy. Though these are reasonable reasons to struggle with a day like Mother’s Day, I want to share some love to all the women in my life no matter what stage they are in.

To the moms: I don’t want to pretend I know all the struggles you go through as you are raising your children. I do know that I love and care for each of you. Many of you are praying for me as I am walking through my journey to motherhood. I am so grateful for those prayers. I’m praying for you too. I know motherhood isn’t always pretty. I am grateful that when I get to be a mom I have so many women that I can look to for wisdom. Thank you for being a role model in my life. Thank you for encouraging me to continue fighting for my own family. You are all near and dear to my heart.

To those struggling with infertility: I’m with you. I know it’s a road many of us didn’t expect to be on. The great thing is that we are not alone even though it often feels that way. I want to encourage you to reach out to friends or family on those tough days. When those emotions start drowning you call, text, Facebook message a friend. Be honest with what’s happening. Every time I’m honest with a friend about how I’m really feeling especially on those days the emotions are overwhelming me, I am met with love.

To ALL the women in my life: Each and everyone of young matter where you are in your life, (mom, working through fertility, married w/o kids, single, dating, etc.) you are valuable. Each of you show strength, vulnerability, compassion, grace, and beauty in such unique ways. I’m grateful for each of you. Don’t lose your sparkle because you think someone else has more value than you. Love to all the ladies in my life!

Happy Mother’s Day to all the Moms! We need women like you to show us how to love unabashedly and selflessly. Thank you for all that you do for your families!

 

Saying Goodbye to 26

May 3, 2016 § Leave a comment

Wow. I can’t believe my birthday is here again. Twenty-six went by so quickly yet so slowly. A lot happened this last year. Some good, some bad, and some ugly.  Twenty-six brought a lot of questions. Mainly, “where do I go from here?” Honestly, I’m still processing that question.

Emotions ran high this last year and I wasn’t even on hormone pills. I definitely had some struggles and lashed out in anger more times than I would like to admit. I’ve been working on processing my emotions better so that I am not lashing out at the ones I love. It is a process for sure. Choosing love over hate takes a lot more will power than you think. Our instincts tell us it’s okay to lash out because it’s our right to be angry. No one can take that from us. Let’s face it though, acting out in anger takes so much away from us. If that pattern continues, eventually, no one will want to be around you and you’ll lose respect of your friends and family. Personally, I would rather people want to be around me. My community helps me to learn and brings healing in ways I could never fathom. Choosing love is a much better way of life.

So what did I learn from my 26th year?

  1. Be honest. I remember my third grade teacher saying, “honesty is the best policy.” That statement has been so true especially this last year. Being honest with my community has brought so much love and support. I’m humbled by them.
  2. Choose love. Life is so much better when you show love to those around you even when you’re angry.
  3. Take care of yourself. I realize this sounds a little selfish, but I don’t think it is selfish. Taking the time to exercise, eat better, and finding a hobby you enjoy makes it so much easier to respond in love and to be honest.

Twenty-six, you were a year of self-realization and attitude adjustments. Thank you for that. After a year like this, I’m interested to see what 27 has in store. Whatever it is, may I stay honest and loving; may the friends and family time be joyous; may the Lord direct my steps even in the darkness.

 

 

I forgot the sparkles

April 14, 2016 § Leave a comment

Not too long ago I wrote a post about how I was dealing with my infertility. Days after that post I unexpectedly lost my grandfather and I started back down the road of depression. 

My anxiety attacks have been flaring up like crazy. My jealousy has been warring against me. My longing to be a mother has deepened. 

In the midst of all this, I forgot about my favorite thing: sparkles. 

You will most often see me wearing some form of sparkles. It’s honestly my favorite accessory. I’ll take sparkle in most any form. I also prefer the sparkles to be pink. Clrearly, I’m very girly even at nearly 27 years old. 

How could I forget the sparkles? 

I forgot the sparkles because I allowed circumstances to take over for too long. Like most people, I get caught up in life and allow myself to be overwhelmed. I forget about the things that make me happy to be alive. I forget about what’s good in the moment I’m living. Sparkles help me to remember that there is good around me. 

God uniquely created me to love sparkles as much as I do. I think it’s another way He shows me that I matter because so many things sparkle. For instance, if you catch the light in someone’s eyes at just the right moment, it looks like they have twinkle eyes. Who doesn’t love that? 

It’s a daily struggle ya’ll to not give into the depression. My anxiety attacks don’t just go away.

For whatever reason, God gave me sparkles as a passion. It keeps me sane and fills my heart with gladness to find sparkles wherever I go. 

As go through your day, search for the sparkles in your life. I’m hopeful you’ll find it. 

Art doesn’t happen in a day

April 12, 2016 § Leave a comment

Almost a month ago one of my best friends came to LA for a visit.  We planned some fun adventure time downtown, ate some great food and planned an afternoon at The Getty.  She specifically wanted to go to The Getty for the exhibit “Woven Gold: Tapestries of King Louis XIV.” I obliged her request. 

Now, almost a month later I’m grateful we went to see this exhibit. It helped me to understand the process of creating on such a deeper level. My friend is a weaver and she was able to explain the process to me and point out details that not many would normally see. I asked her how long these giant tapestries would take to make. She said years. It takes years to weave a tapestry? We watched a video on weaving and talked more. I discovered through this and some minimal research of my own that it takes one weaver one month to weave one square meter

Think about that. 

If it takes one person, one month to make one square meter of a massive tapestry, why do we think we can make something happen in one day. At times we can make things happen at an expedited rate, but that’s not our everyday.  Looking back on my own life it’s the little moments pieced together that have me where I am. It’s also the little moments happening now that will get me to my future. 

So weary hearts rejoice. You don’t have to make it all happen today. It took years for a beautiful piece of art to come together even with the weavers working 40 hours a week. 

It’s Okay to Have the Bad Days

March 1, 2016 § Leave a comment

Just a few weeks ago I had a post about how I was dealing with my infertility. It’s now after midnight and I could not go to bed without writing about a bad day. Yesterday was probably one of the worst days I have had in awhile. I woke up from a terrible dream and I just couldn’t shake it. I kept trying to talk myself out of it.

“This moment is a bad moment. Not every moment or even everyday is like this.”

I tried repeating this about 5 times. Yeah, it didn’t help. What was I supposed to do? The anxiety of the day got me from the time I woke up until the afternoon. I did text a couple of friends asking for prayers. When I have a bad day I try to let a few people including my husband know just so that I don’t feel completely alone. My friends know how to get my mind off thoughts that trigger my anxiety and get me to focus on other things. They will send me GIFs and pictures of pizza. I mean, how can you not be happy when you receive a GIF of pizza raining down. My friends get me.

Anyhow, I did finally get calmed down enough that I was excited to go out for a friend’s birthday. How did I get calmed down? I received an encouraging a text from a friend. She had no idea of my emotional state. The text instantly gave me perspective on how one bad day doesn’t mean I am worthless. Now, every time I have a bad day, I don’t get an encouraging text from a friend. I was just lucky that this friend reached out in a moment I desperately needed hope. I also spent some of the afternoon focusing on practicing my crocheting skills.

I’m  glad that yesterday was a bad day. I have some events/friend meet-ups I am looking forward to this week. Having this bad day sucks, but it makes the good days even better. I know I can overcome the bad days and that a new day is just a day away.

May this be encouragement to those who are struggling with anxiety or bad day(s). Reach out to a few friends so someone knows that you are needing support. It has helped me countless times to reach out when I have a bad day.

Love to you all,

Emilie

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