April 26, 2017 § Leave a comment
This week my feed has been filled with women sharing their stories about infertility and how they have been dealing with it. They have also been using this week as a platform to reduce the stigma around infertility. I’m proud to be amongst this group of women. I am 1 in 8 women that has to deal with some form of infertility. Finding this out just over three years ago absolutely devastated me. I felt my dreams of motherhood shatter like a broken glass falling into a million pieces.
In these last three years, I fell into a depression that rested deep. It gave me fear and anxiety that caused me to feel paralyzed to make any decision. I allowed infertility to control my life. I thought that if we just set up the right situation through monitoring and doctors help we could make a baby. At the end of 2016, when I found out I was getting hired at Starbucks, I started letting go of the control of trying to make a baby. I’ve been focusing more on self care. That has included making time for reading, going out with friends and finding myself again. My heart has been so full of joy. That’s not to say that some days aren’t hard but they have become fewer and farther apart. I’ve even been able to go to baby showers and hold babies without going home and crying for an hour afterward.
Honestly, that would not have been possible even 18 months ago. I sit here now, having so much hope for my future. I’ll be 28 in 10 days and I know that the end of this journey is still a ways off. But when I do get the opportunity to be a mom (however that happens) I will get to share a story of pain turned to hope and joy with my child(ren). I hope that through my story my child(ren) will know that they can do the hard things in life and live to tell the tale.
Thank you to my loving community of friends and family that have been with me on this journey. Your prayers have meant the world to me. God has shown me so much grace in and continues to teach me to be graceful with myself and others.
May 7, 2016 § Leave a comment
For the last 16 years Mother’s Day has been a challenging day for me. First, it was challenging because I lost my biological mom to cancer. Now, it’s because of my own longing to be a mommy. Though these are reasonable reasons to struggle with a day like Mother’s Day, I want to share some love to all the women in my life no matter what stage they are in.
To the moms: I don’t want to pretend I know all the struggles you go through as you are raising your children. I do know that I love and care for each of you. Many of you are praying for me as I am walking through my journey to motherhood. I am so grateful for those prayers. I’m praying for you too. I know motherhood isn’t always pretty. I am grateful that when I get to be a mom I have so many women that I can look to for wisdom. Thank you for being a role model in my life. Thank you for encouraging me to continue fighting for my own family. You are all near and dear to my heart.
To those struggling with infertility: I’m with you. I know it’s a road many of us didn’t expect to be on. The great thing is that we are not alone even though it often feels that way. I want to encourage you to reach out to friends or family on those tough days. When those emotions start drowning you call, text, Facebook message a friend. Be honest with what’s happening. Every time I’m honest with a friend about how I’m really feeling especially on those days the emotions are overwhelming me, I am met with love.
To ALL the women in my life: Each and everyone of young matter where you are in your life, (mom, working through fertility, married w/o kids, single, dating, etc.) you are valuable. Each of you show strength, vulnerability, compassion, grace, and beauty in such unique ways. I’m grateful for each of you. Don’t lose your sparkle because you think someone else has more value than you. Love to all the ladies in my life!
Happy Mother’s Day to all the Moms! We need women like you to show us how to love unabashedly and selflessly. Thank you for all that you do for your families!
March 1, 2016 § Leave a comment
Just a few weeks ago I had a post about how I was dealing with my infertility. It’s now after midnight and I could not go to bed without writing about a bad day. Yesterday was probably one of the worst days I have had in awhile. I woke up from a terrible dream and I just couldn’t shake it. I kept trying to talk myself out of it.
“This moment is a bad moment. Not every moment or even everyday is like this.”
I tried repeating this about 5 times. Yeah, it didn’t help. What was I supposed to do? The anxiety of the day got me from the time I woke up until the afternoon. I did text a couple of friends asking for prayers. When I have a bad day I try to let a few people including my husband know just so that I don’t feel completely alone. My friends know how to get my mind off thoughts that trigger my anxiety and get me to focus on other things. They will send me GIFs and pictures of pizza. I mean, how can you not be happy when you receive a GIF of pizza raining down. My friends get me.
Anyhow, I did finally get calmed down enough that I was excited to go out for a friend’s birthday. How did I get calmed down? I received an encouraging a text from a friend. She had no idea of my emotional state. The text instantly gave me perspective on how one bad day doesn’t mean I am worthless. Now, every time I have a bad day, I don’t get an encouraging text from a friend. I was just lucky that this friend reached out in a moment I desperately needed hope. I also spent some of the afternoon focusing on practicing my crocheting skills.
I’m glad that yesterday was a bad day. I have some events/friend meet-ups I am looking forward to this week. Having this bad day sucks, but it makes the good days even better. I know I can overcome the bad days and that a new day is just a day away.
May this be encouragement to those who are struggling with anxiety or bad day(s). Reach out to a few friends so someone knows that you are needing support. It has helped me countless times to reach out when I have a bad day.
Love to you all,
February 12, 2016 § 1 Comment
I’ve said here before and I will say it again: I have PCOS. I found out almost two years ago. The process has been slow-going partially because of the shock and not wanting to admit something was wrong and partially because fertility treatments and appointments are expensive.
In the last five months I’ve realized I can’t keep living my life feeling held down because of PCOS. Honestly, since we found out I have spent days crying my eyes out, days angry, days where I haven’t wanted to speak with anyone. I didn’t even want to talk to my husband. That’s really not a way to live.
What have I been learning?
- I can’t do this alone. I’m blessed with women in my community who know and understand my pain. I’m grateful for a husband who loves me unconditionally even on my worst day. I have faith that God sees ever tear I cry and hears every prayer I pray.
- I have to keep pressing forward. Yes, miracles happen but I need to do my part, too, for changes to happen.
- I have to be vulnerable. For me holding feelings in makes the problem worse. So if friends or family ask how fertility stuff is going, I answer honestly. Through my vulnerability I’ve gotten overwhelming support. That just proves my first point of not being able to do this alone.
- I’m aloud to have emotions about my infertility. On days where I can feel the anger or sadness coming I allow those emotions to come. I process them by asking myself questions like “what caused this emotion to come?” “Is this a surface reason or is something deeper tugging on me?” I try not to allow emotions take over for more than 24 hours. For me, it takes me to a depression I hope to never experience again.
- Self-care is the best. My self-care includes the occasional new book to read or new Minnie Mouse coloring book to color. Currently, I’m learning how to crochet. It’s fun to work with my hands and also have my mind focused on something other than trying to make a baby. Thank the Lord for self-care.
These are just a few of the things I have been learning through my infertility. I have some great days with no tears or anger but I also have some days where those are the only things I can feel. Thankfully, my hard days are fewer and farther in between. I can feel myself turning a corner. I feel like I’m in a good place. A place where I am learning more about myself.
I hope this is helpful to my fellow women struggling with infertility rather it’s PCOS or Endometriosis or other fertility issues. Know that you are not alone and there is support and prayers for you.
Love to you all!
January 7, 2016 § Leave a comment
2015 came and went. There were some moments that went by too fast and other moments that would have been okay to pick up the speed. We moved to a new apartment. We started learning more about our journey with infertility. I dealt with depression that I had not experienced since my mother died. My feelings toward 2015 are as follows: Bye, Felicia!
Now, not every moment was terrible. We started developing some friendships that I honestly believe will last for the rest of our lives. But dude, my emotions really took a toll on me. I got to the point where I stopped putting myself out there for people to know me. I didn’t want pity if I shared my feelings. I also didn’t want people saying I was a cry baby. I already had to deal with that in my life and I wasn’t ready to relive that. Instead, I stayed home, closed off to people. I was so in my head that I became screed to let anyone in. I couldn’t even let my husband in. Finally in November, I started letting people back in. It wasn’t as painful as I had thought. I actually found by opening up to the right people I could feel again. These people spoke truth and love in the most graceful, yet butt-kicking ways. I’m so grateful for the community that surrounds me.
How will I continue to move beyond my feelings in 2016? Great question. My plan is find my purpose and keep my heart open to those who have already made attempts to be apart of my life. I have some measurable goals of finding a job, making time in my week for friends, alone time and time with the husband. Finding things and people that feed my soul has helped so much. Even self-reflection/self-awareness has helped to move beyond the feelings. It’s definitely a process. I may have some missteps but its better than wallowing in self-pity and self-doubt.
I’d love to hear how you are making 2016 different from 2015. I know for me 2016 cannot be more of the same.
Love to you all!